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Friday, May 8, 2015

Beginning

Beginning
by Warren Hanson

This is the Beginning…
This is where it all will start,
on the Wings of some new Spirit with the Beat of some new Heart.

Every morning brings a Promise,
Every day has Gifts to give,
But Today…right now…This Minute….
is when I begin to Live.
And the air that I am breathing is the breeze of what could be,
as I stand here looking out on all the things that could be Me.
And the road that goes before me, leading somewhere out of sight,
is a brand new Opportunity for me to get it Right.
This is the Beginning. This is
Once Upon a Time….
There are dragons to be vanquished! There are castle walls to climb!
But this story isn’t written yet.
I’m only at page One.
The Adventure that’s awaiting me has only just Begun.
There are Mysteries and Treasurers.
There are daring deeds to do!
And if I speak the secret word, then all my Wishes will come true.
That Magic Word has powers that can make the heavens spin.
But it really is not Secret that the password is……”Begin!”
Oh the possibilities is this Beginning I have made!
I am Ready!…. but reluctant.
I am Excited!…. but afraid.

Afraid that starting something New leaves something Old behind.
Afraid that what I seek is something I may Never find.
Or, if I Find it, that it won’t be what I want at all.
That what I’ve left Behind is what I needed after all.

Beginning can be bittersweet, and hard to comprehend.
It can mean that some sweet, precious part of life is at an End.
And the Heart can feel so Hollow when it has to say Good-bye
that the thought of starting Over is too Hard to even try.

But when I reach the End, when all my days are nearly through,
I will Not want to look back on all the things I Didn’t do.
Nor regret the Joys and Passions of the me that Might have been,
if only I had found the simple Courage to Begin.
So…….This is the Beginning….
My Beginning……..My Rebirth.
I Awaken to the Wonder of what I am Really worth.
It is a Springtime for the Spirit, and it’s Giving me a Choice.
So I choose to Use this season as a reason to Rejoice!

I lift my voice in Sweet thanksgiving, singing Loud….and not alone.
A host of Harmonies accompanies my song of the unknown.
Loving Friends and willing Strangers, with their voices joining in,
create a chorus of Encouragement that begs me to Begin.

And the end?…..
It’s out there, Somewhere, farther than the heart can see.
And the Power that will take me there is Here, inside of me.
Though there is no way I can know how many trials I’ll endure,
nor the Joys that I may find,
there is One thing I know for sure…..


This is the Beginning…….

STARTING OVER

Starting Over

I'm trying to find something to base my life upon,
Something in this strange world that goes on and on.
As the years go by and time fades away,
what used to be "good days" are now filled with dismay.
Tomorrow comes, and then again, it goes,
And my ambition to become something more, grows and grows.
Around the corner, yet miles away,
The life I want now, gets closer each day.
All I've ever wanted was something to live for,
I don't want to be this little person anymore.
I've been basing my life upon what others think,
I wish I could go back and redo everything, every time an eye would blink.
I've fought to become who I am and what I want to be,
I have to remind myself that one day, I will be free.
Free from the rules I followed as a child,
When everything was a game and life was so mild.
Now times have changed and I realize nothing is fair,
And sometimes it seems like nobody even cares.
It's like no one pays attention to what I feel is best for me,
And what I think about the way some things should be.
I understand now, that I'm pretty much on my own,
And I know a lot of what I can do will never be known.
All the time, I think about everything I can't say, what I have to keep in,
And by doing this, my thoughts only get more complicated and deepen.
Soon I hope to find out who I am, and what I am meant to become,
I want to know where I'm going, I don't need to be reminded of where I came from.

Friday, May 1, 2015

looking back on my marriage


On my birthday its five years since I left you….and every single day I miss you! I miss being married, taking care of you and washing your socks. I just miss it all. Where did we go wrong? Or where did I go wrong? Five years and I still think about it every single day. I think about how our marriage now affects my relationship with others. How six years ago you broke my heart. You broke it into a million pieces all because you wanted casual sex with someone else. You decided that our marriage didn’t mean anything to you. I was pushed to the side for some girl off the internet. I gave you my all, and you only gave a little bit of yourself. I take responsibility for everything. When I shouldn’t it’s not my fault that YOU COULDN’T BE FAITHFUL. I did everything to make you happy….I gave you my all. It just wasn’t enough for you. This year we actually talked. You told me the reason it took me two years to get my divorce is because you didn’t want one….you wanted to be with me….did you think about that when you was emailing women off of craigslist or sleeping with them? Did you really think I’d sit around and let you control my every move and allow you to walk all over me? I deserved better than you. Yet I was stuck in my head for years looking back, miss you, longing to feel what I once felt when we first got together.
We were both young. That was our problem. I wanted out of my parents’ house. I had depended on everyone to take care of me that’s why I married you. I thought that you being in the Navy was my ticket to a better life. But I was wrong….
I blame you for breaking my heart….I haven’t been the same since. 
I don’t trust men.
I don’t give away my heart like I use to.
I don’t allow my life to revolve around a man…b/c once he is gone my world will be crushed.
I cannot really say that in the last five years I’ve gotten close enough to another man that when my relationship with him ended my heart was broken….wait I’m wrong. With Michael (not his real name) my heart was broken when we split. But it was also a mutual decision. B/c of circumstances he wanted out and I let him go.

But that statement “if you love someone let them go…if they come back…” he has come back to me several times. And now I can say that I’m finally happy. Finally in love with a man that treats me right. It should have been my husband. My husband should have treated me right…should have loved me like I deserve to be loved. But you didn’t. I have blamed you for years for me not being happy in whatever relationship I was currently in….but none of that was really your fault. It wasn’t the current boyfriends either…it was mine. I hadn’t had closure. I hadn’t went back and re-evaluated my past and present relationships until now. 

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