looking back on my marriage

On my birthday its five years since I left you….and every single day I miss you! I miss being married, taking care of you and washing your socks. I just miss it all. Where did we go wrong? Or where did I go wrong? Five years and I still think about it every single day. I think about how our marriage now affects my relationship with others. How six years ago you broke my heart. You broke it into a million pieces all because you wanted casual sex with someone else. You decided that our marriage didn’t mean anything to you. I was pushed to the side for some girl off the internet. I gave you my all, and you only gave a little bit of yourself. I take responsibility for everything. When I shouldn’t it’s not my fault that YOU COULDN’T BE FAITHFUL. I did everything to make you happy….I gave you my all. It just wasn’t enough for you. This year we actually talked. You told me the reason it took me two years to get my divorce is because you didn’t want one….you wanted to be with me….did you think about that when you was emailing women off of craigslist or sleeping with them? Did you really think I’d sit around and let you control my every move and allow you to walk all over me? I deserved better than you. Yet I was stuck in my head for years looking back, miss you, longing to feel what I once felt when we first got together.

We were both young. That was our problem. I wanted out of my parents’ house. I had depended on everyone to take care of me that’s why I married you. I thought that you being in the Navy was my ticket to a better life. But I was wrong….

I blame you for breaking my heart….I haven’t been the same since. 

I don’t trust men.

I don’t give away my heart like I use to.

I don’t allow my life to revolve around a man…b/c once he is gone my world will be crushed.

I cannot really say that in the last five years I’ve gotten close enough to another man that when my relationship with him ended my heart was broken….wait I’m wrong. With Michael (not his real name) my heart was broken when we split. But it was also a mutual decision. B/c of circumstances he wanted out and I let him go.

But that statement “if you love someone let them go…if they come back…” he has come back to me several times. And now I can say that I’m finally happy. Finally in love with a man that treats me right. It should have been my husband. My husband should have treated me right…should have loved me like I deserve to be loved. But you didn’t. I have blamed you for years for me not being happy in whatever relationship I was currently in….but none of that was really your fault. It wasn’t the current boyfriends either…it was mine. I hadn’t had closure. I hadn’t went back and re-evaluated my past and present relationships until now.