I died last week

I've been wanting to write for a few days now. But I have to warn you all to bare with all  the errors. I have nerve damage in my arm/hand/neck and shoulder. so typing is weird. This post will probably change your whole view of me. And I'm actually ok with that! i'm with the fact that i will be labeled an addict. b/c thats what i really am.
Last tuesday...yes a week ago today i went to buy dope. Heroin. I spent bought 90 bucks on some bad stuff. I had just met the couple i bought it off of, gave them some for doing me the solid. well we go back to the bathroom to do it and I was in too much of a hurry to check and see how much i was doing....I had to do it fast bc i wanted to feel differently. i remember sticking the needle in my arm and untying the belt and waiting for it to hit. the guy said "dont fall out" which meant dont overdose. well once it hit everything went black. I had officially overdosed and the couple took my stuff and left me for dead.
 I remember dreaming of my whole life, the good times were the ones i remember clinging onto most. My parents together happy and laughing in Georgia in 2008. My current boyfriend and how happy i am currently with my relationship. I clung to those a lot too, just remembering being in his arms. my nieces and nephews and the joy they bring to my life.
I remembered bad times too the beatings the rapes the pain i've endured. mentally and physically and then i also remember it being black. empty with nothing and no one around.
I woke up Wednesday on a ventilator- which means i wasn't breathing on my own. I was restrained. I was ALONE. i had a feeding tube down my nose.  i was damn lucky to be alive. i fought tried to get them to call my sister. that took hours to convey. them ripping those tubes out of your mouth and nose is harsh. I was told i'm lucky to be alive. damn straight i fought for hours to keep my life. i wasn't gonna die and stay dead for long. i have a hell of a lot of living left to do. i refuse to sink now. most of all I REFUSE TO PUT MYSELF IN ANY POSITION THAT I COULD DIE AGAIN. so i'm going to be going to rehab. get my shit together.
this is whats going on with me now...i have cracked ribs on my right side from CPR. i have nerve damage on my left side...from my ear to the tips of my fingers. my kidneys are bruised. mentally i was freaking out yesterday,,.you see those ppl took my cell phone. so i had no way to contact Ron my bf. so he hadn't heard from me for days. i was worried that this woulda been the thing that would make  him walk away. but i was brave and walked over here last night knocked on the door and was told to come in. taking a deep breath i walked in and there he was. i told him what happened. and all that. that took being brave to tell the one person your hiding the most from to just come clean and say i'm this way but look i'm workin on improving myself. i honestly don't know what will become of my life but i know one thing....i'ma FIGHTER. I AM STRONG. it took me dying to have something to live for....myself. my family and last but not least LOVE.

Love letter to my Love

To my Love

         You know I have been bruised, burned and abused. I have been told I am worthless and weak, and have felt hands on my face that were far less than gentle. I am reminding you of this for two reasons: one, as an advance apology if am unintentionally clumsy with your love.

I have been shot with bullets of hate and contempt while being told “this is love” so if I flinch when you reach to graze the hair out of my face- it’s not you, it’s the gunshot residue.

     I have been lied to and cheated on. Yet I believed was loved and it was all making each relationship stronger.

Two: I know you've been hurt, too I hope not in any way or amount that I have been, but a simple and inevitable fact of life and love is-shit happens, people hurt and get hurt. But when you share with me stories of the women who thought they could rent my title for a short while, I will hold my bitter, jealous tongue, and instead thank them I will be grateful for the ways you’ve learned not to love and be loved. In the same way, I hope you can appreciate the men in MY PAST for allowing me to appreciate you to the fullest. I tell you about my past and the past men so you know what made me this way. Everything they were not, and everything I deserve. But about all I hope we both can do with our past,

The best thing anyone can do with it…keep it there. 

     You've found me, you are my future everything hopefully one day I’ll be able to call you my husband, my “partner in crime.” I am already lucky enough to call you my best friend, my love. But did you know I believe that you are     THE LOVE OF MY LIFE. Before my life was filled with darkness and I saw no light at the end of the tunnel. Instead you met me in that tunnel and guided me out.

I am like you and I am unlike you. I am broken. I have sinned. I have been wrong and I have wronged. I have will the wrong and ran away from what’s right. I have been lost. I have lose sight of the virtue of patience in m search for a place to call HOME-when I recently learned my home is a place for US. My place with you. I’ve looked for you everywhere. I’ve prayed for you to appear as more than just a mirage miracle. I’ve questioned your existence. I’ve mistaken you in the form of others. Just like I’m sure you’ve mistaken others for me. Finally, after years of searching. I let go of my search and my idea of you. Yet, I knew you existed somewhere.

    I am an anomaly. I got over and tired of me and my harried, hurried efforts. After all you cannot wish love or make just anyone love you. I am at ease with a renewed forgiven self. I love everything deeply for love’s sake.

           I want to heal YOUR pain bury all your sorrows, lift you up and away. I want to bring you joy a lot of laughter and an abundance of happiness. And I want you to take me with you. You are the one that will take me whole because I am connected to you. You’ll serve as the wind behind my back. Guiding me when needed. Beside me when needed, and always there to protect me.

     I see my truth in everything and your truth is everlasting. One day we’ll lay our backs on the beach, draw our new, long- form narrative across the star studded sky. For I am the moon to your sun, reflecting your glow and glory, the gravity of our connection pulling me close in omniscient silence. 

Poems for him

I Have Everything

I don’t need to see you to love you
I only need to know you’re there;
I don’t need to feel you
To have you touch my heart
I only need to know you care

I don’t need to look into your eyes
To believe that this is real
I only need to understand
What you think and feel

Love, it is a feeling
That can’t be seen, and though,
I would love to have you here to hold
Just by having you in my life
I have everything

I Love You

Falling In Love Was Easy

Falling in love with you was easy
Everything about you
Your smile, your kindness
Your caring heart
Eased any doubts I had, not about you
But about love and giving my heart away

I found comfort in the way
You embraced who I am
For all of my qualities and all of my faults
You allowed me the freedom to be myself
To express my emotions, to show my fear

Falling in love with you was easy
Letting you love me in return
Awakened my fears that one day
You would not be there for me to love

I found a strength
In the reassurance you offered
Which allowed me to accept your love
Although, I may still feel scared
From time to time
It’s only because in you’ve I’ve discovered
A lifetime of love
A world full of dreams come true
A partner, a soulmate, a friend
All of which I never want to lose

Who i am

Who Tarasha is…

Exciting

Thoughtful

Literate

Original

Consistent

Independent

Emotional

Sensuous

Devoted

Quirky

Practical

Positive

Forgiving

Rebellious

Interesting

Understanding

Generous

Have integrity

Outgoing

Knowledgeable

Honest

Attentive

Tenacious

Respectful

Confident

Trustworthy

Objective

Mature

Unique

Traditional

Reliable

Motivated

Persistent

Optimistic

Strong

Talented

LOYAL

Dependable

Sometimes naive

Artistic

Passionate

Sensible

Wise beyond my years

Curious

Easy going

Good listener

Sincere

Responsible

I AM

    TARASHA DAWN HALE

All i can think of...trying to tell you about me

Why can’t I be a normal 27 year old?

In a perfect life, I’d have my own home. A husband and kids….but no that’s not the plan for me?

Instead I’m a 27 year old drug addict who puts herself first….which is sad. Its embarrassing.

 I just spent time in the hospital and all I did was think.

What the hell am I doing to myself? To my FAMILY? To my relationship…..which I’m guessing is over.

That song MONSTER FROM EMINEM is my song.

“You're trying to save me, stop holding your breath
And you think I'm crazy, yeah, you think I'm crazy”

Monster by Eminem & Rhianna

I need to be the daughter that helps out….That is sober….That my mother can be proud of. thats all i can think of right now....

What's necessary and What's possible

  Start by doing what's necessary; then do what's possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible.

Francis of Assisi

Looking at quotes….which is something I enjoy doing. It wastes time and brings inspiration to my life, and sometimes motivation. Without quotes I don’t know where I’d be….or if I’d be anywhere.

This quote. Start by doing what’s necessary…well in my life right now what’s necessary is staying sober. Treating my mother right, and for that fact my family. Focusing my life on what is important to me….my relationships romantic and otherwise. Focusing on keeping a good mindset.

Do what is possible….

It’s possible to write more.

It’s possible to work on my book.

It’s possible to make my mother happy.

It’s possible to make my boyfriend happy.

It’s possible to do what my mother needs done without her asking.

I’ll add more later....feel free to comment on what's necessary and what's possible.

Questions that awaken the real you

What would happen if you just went for it?

Deep down, you want to go for it. But you’re scared. The good news: even if you’re scared, you still have a choice. Fear doesn’t run your life; you do.

Who are you?

Write down a list of what’s important to you about life.

Who are you really?

What was important to you before other people told you what was important to you?

What’s your deepest, most secret desire?

You know it’s there. Just be honest and admit it. You’ll feel amazing… and free.

If you knew you couldn’t fail, what’s the benefit of not beginning?

Bet you can’t think of a good answer for this.

If not now, when?

The past is gone forever and the future is anything but guaranteed. What are you waiting for?

Who’s permission do you need?

You know you only need your own permission, but do you seek someone else to tell you it’s ok?

What’s stopping you?

If you haven’t started working towards what you truly want, something is.

Who or what is holding you back?

The only answer to this: you.

If you don’t know what you want, why on earth aren’t you trying to find out?

Unless you’re content to just drift through life, never knowing where you’re going, and never being truly fulfilled.

When you know what you truly want, will you actually do anything about it?

Most people ignore it or talk themselves out of doing it.

What’s important to you?

Make a list. Be honest with yourself.

What’s really important to you?

Seriously. Be honest. Otherwise this is pointless.

If you wrote a list of everything that’s important to you, would you even be on it?

If you’re not, is there a good reason for that?

If you don’t prioritize yourself, how will you ever be happy?

It’s not going to happen by accident.

What’s the excuse you use the most?

Would to tell your best friend to use that excuse?

When will you stop using your excuses?

Excuses stop you from getting what you truly want. If you’re happy with that, then keep using them.

Do you feel good when you know you’re using excuses?

I’m guessing you don’t. Just a hunch. And I bet you feel great when you make progress. Just saying.

Will you ever get what you want if you keep making excuses?

Make all the excuses you want. Just make sure you don’t wake up one day and finally admit that’s what you’ve been doing.

Why won’t you just be honest with yourself?

Lying to yourself is easy most of the time because we’re so practiced at it. But it’s not the right thing, and you know it. It might be painful to be honest right now in this moment, but it’s much more painful to lie to yourself forever.

How long can you go on doing what you’re doing?

6 months? 1 year? 5 years? If you don’t take action and do something different, nothing will change.

When you’re totally honest with yourself, what will happen?

Great things, right?

Do you choose comfort over happiness?

There’s a big difference. Find out what that difference means for you, and what you’re currently choosing.

And, last but not least:

If any of these have resonated, are you gonna make an excuse or actually do something about it?

The alternative is to sit there and do absolutely nothing different. Procrastinate. Get annoyed with yourself. Wish things were different. Even though things need to change. Even though you know you’re choosing comfort over happiness. But, let me ask you – what would the real you do? 

Beginning

Beginning

by Warren Hanson

This is the Beginning…

This is where it all will start,

on the Wings of some new Spirit with the Beat of some new Heart.

Every morning brings a Promise,

Every day has Gifts to give,

But Today…right now…This Minute….

is when I begin to Live.

And the air that I am breathing is the breeze of what could be,

as I stand here looking out on all the things that could be Me.

And the road that goes before me, leading somewhere out of sight,

is a brand new Opportunity for me to get it Right.

This is the Beginning. This is

Once Upon a Time….

There are dragons to be vanquished! There are castle walls to climb!

But this story isn’t written yet.

I’m only at page One.

The Adventure that’s awaiting me has only just Begun.

There are Mysteries and Treasurers.

There are daring deeds to do!

And if I speak the secret word, then all my Wishes will come true.

That Magic Word has powers that can make the heavens spin.

But it really is not Secret that the password is……”Begin!”

Oh the possibilities is this Beginning I have made!

I am Ready!…. but reluctant.

I am Excited!…. but afraid.

Afraid that starting something New leaves something Old behind.

Afraid that what I seek is something I may Never find.

Or, if I Find it, that it won’t be what I want at all.

That what I’ve left Behind is what I needed after all.

Beginning can be bittersweet, and hard to comprehend.

It can mean that some sweet, precious part of life is at an End.

And the Heart can feel so Hollow when it has to say Good-bye

that the thought of starting Over is too Hard to even try.

But when I reach the End, when all my days are nearly through,

I will Not want to look back on all the things I Didn’t do.

Nor regret the Joys and Passions of the me that Might have been,

if only I had found the simple Courage to Begin.

So…….This is the Beginning….

My Beginning……..My Rebirth.

I Awaken to the Wonder of what I am Really worth.

It is a Springtime for the Spirit, and it’s Giving me a Choice.

So I choose to Use this season as a reason to Rejoice!

I lift my voice in Sweet thanksgiving, singing Loud….and not alone.

A host of Harmonies accompanies my song of the unknown.

Loving Friends and willing Strangers, with their voices joining in,

create a chorus of Encouragement that begs me to Begin.

And the end?…..

It’s out there, Somewhere, farther than the heart can see.

And the Power that will take me there is Here, inside of me.

Though there is no way I can know how many trials I’ll endure,

nor the Joys that I may find,

there is One thing I know for sure…..

This is the Beginning…….

STARTING OVER

Starting Over

I'm trying to find something to base my life upon,
Something in this strange world that goes on and on.
As the years go by and time fades away,
what used to be "good days" are now filled with dismay.
Tomorrow comes, and then again, it goes,
And my ambition to become something more, grows and grows.
Around the corner, yet miles away,
The life I want now, gets closer each day.
All I've ever wanted was something to live for,
I don't want to be this little person anymore.
I've been basing my life upon what others think,
I wish I could go back and redo everything, every time an eye would blink.
I've fought to become who I am and what I want to be,
I have to remind myself that one day, I will be free.
Free from the rules I followed as a child,
When everything was a game and life was so mild.
Now times have changed and I realize nothing is fair,
And sometimes it seems like nobody even cares.
It's like no one pays attention to what I feel is best for me,
And what I think about the way some things should be.
I understand now, that I'm pretty much on my own,
And I know a lot of what I can do will never be known.
All the time, I think about everything I can't say, what I have to keep in,
And by doing this, my thoughts only get more complicated and deepen.
Soon I hope to find out who I am, and what I am meant to become,
I want to know where I'm going, I don't need to be reminded of where I came from.

looking back on my marriage

On my birthday its five years since I left you….and every single day I miss you! I miss being married, taking care of you and washing your socks. I just miss it all. Where did we go wrong? Or where did I go wrong? Five years and I still think about it every single day. I think about how our marriage now affects my relationship with others. How six years ago you broke my heart. You broke it into a million pieces all because you wanted casual sex with someone else. You decided that our marriage didn’t mean anything to you. I was pushed to the side for some girl off the internet. I gave you my all, and you only gave a little bit of yourself. I take responsibility for everything. When I shouldn’t it’s not my fault that YOU COULDN’T BE FAITHFUL. I did everything to make you happy….I gave you my all. It just wasn’t enough for you. This year we actually talked. You told me the reason it took me two years to get my divorce is because you didn’t want one….you wanted to be with me….did you think about that when you was emailing women off of craigslist or sleeping with them? Did you really think I’d sit around and let you control my every move and allow you to walk all over me? I deserved better than you. Yet I was stuck in my head for years looking back, miss you, longing to feel what I once felt when we first got together.

We were both young. That was our problem. I wanted out of my parents’ house. I had depended on everyone to take care of me that’s why I married you. I thought that you being in the Navy was my ticket to a better life. But I was wrong….

I blame you for breaking my heart….I haven’t been the same since. 

I don’t trust men.

I don’t give away my heart like I use to.

I don’t allow my life to revolve around a man…b/c once he is gone my world will be crushed.

I cannot really say that in the last five years I’ve gotten close enough to another man that when my relationship with him ended my heart was broken….wait I’m wrong. With Michael (not his real name) my heart was broken when we split. But it was also a mutual decision. B/c of circumstances he wanted out and I let him go.

But that statement “if you love someone let them go…if they come back…” he has come back to me several times. And now I can say that I’m finally happy. Finally in love with a man that treats me right. It should have been my husband. My husband should have treated me right…should have loved me like I deserve to be loved. But you didn’t. I have blamed you for years for me not being happy in whatever relationship I was currently in….but none of that was really your fault. It wasn’t the current boyfriends either…it was mine. I hadn’t had closure. I hadn’t went back and re-evaluated my past and present relationships until now.